Teenage Girl Blossoming Into Beautiful Object: Full Story
“Ashley has really developed into quite a striking assemblage of physical attributes that are found to be sexually attractive in our culture,” said Parker’s uncle Keith Hayes, expressing astonishment at how his niece had steadily matured from a precocious youth into a shapely, ravishing thing devoid of intellect and personality. “It’s hard to believe that she used to be that little girl [capable of subjective experiences] that I remember. Now look at her—she’s such a lovely vessel for displaced sexual frustration and voyeuristic lust, just like her mother.”“Seems like just yesterday she was this creative 7-year-old kid, pretending her Barbie was the first woman president,” Hayes added. “My, they grow into little more than consumer goods so quickly.”
Marveling at the rite of passage that all females make from girlhood into entirely disempowered objecthood, Hayes expressed confidence that the 17-year-old would one day become a highly prized physical possession for “one lucky guy.”
The Onion’s feeling sassy today
DAMN….. The Onion is on point….
The most lovable sociopath ever. Plus he’s a douche that you just can’t bring yourself to always hate.
Some of Ye greatest tweets:
“Sometimes I get emotional over fonts”
On knowing your strengths:
“No seriously … I said my teeth are real diamonds… these are not fronts… I replaced my bottom row of teeth with diamonds”